...

I've always need a time of my own. Where i can think everything through. Reflect on the things that i've done wrong. It doesn't mean that i don't care for you. If I could, i'll be there. I never thought I'd need you whenever i'm emotionally in pain. I'm sorry i didn't treasure you. Treasure you as if there's no tomorrow for us. And now, there really isn't any tomorrow for us anymore. Remorsed. Nothing can change that.

CHANGE

I feel that it's time for me to make changes to some of the things that i normally do everyday.

1. Reduce expenditure on food and drinks and other stuff
2. Refrain myself using the vulgarities that i usually use such as FUCK!!! (woah, it makes me feel good though)
3. Refrain from being too sensitive which can be defined as being EMO
4. Utilise any free time in school on revision, studying, and anything useful

But i do want some things..

1. Flight simulator (Combat and Civilian): costs about 50 bucks each
2. Joystick: between 50 and 20 bucks
3. 5MP webcam: 44 bucks

...

What on earth is happening to me? I've been having stomach aches and pains for the past few days. It usually happened in school or outside of home, which i hate the most. Is this a sign or something? A sign that i've been eating junk food and unhealthy food? Oh gosh, sometimes it's just unbearable. Doc, help me!! My dad bought me pineapple juice as it would help in some ways, according to him. But i guess not. I had more stomach pains after that. Argh!!! Somebody save me..

Friendship Day

To all my eyecandies, happy friendship day!!! Hehe..

SPA's over

Gosh, i'm so relieved that SPA skill CD is actually over. I was nervous during econs lecture. My friends were all memorising the errors and improvements section. That adds to my anxiety. However, upon reaching the lab and had myself sitted down, the atmosphere changed. I suddenly had the confidence in doing it. I was like, alright man. I thought the question was not that bad. It was do-able. I managed to complete 4 errors and improvements within 15 mins. I rushed as i wrote. Lucky, Mr Tan gave us extra time to finish off what we were writing. I hope i'll not only pass but at least get a B or A grade. Yay!!! It's time to divert my attention to the upcoming common test. I'll show that i'm ready for A levels.

I still feel bad about what i said to her yesterday. It just slipped off from my mouth. Gosh, how can i be so careless!!! I'm so so sorry. I really didn't mean it. I can't imagine how it feels like to live without that someone. If you read this, don't tag about it okay? You will know why. Cheer up okay?

..Proven wrong

After chatting with her for just once, i think i can already prove my friend wrong. So what has he proven? Well, he said that she's a bitch. I asked him why, he then told me to check out her friendster. And so i did. I browsed through her pictures. And i'm kinda, WOW!! She's quite a hottie. In fact, she's more of a hottie in person. But her smiles kinda spoils a part of her. So upon that, i added her as a friend and she accepted it. That's quite fast you know, because like other girls, they would hesitate to add and ask all sorts of questions before adding such as, "Do i know you?". Of course you don't. That's what friendster is for. To make friends. Anyway, back to this. I realised that she's an Arsenal fan. I was flabbergasted. So i decided to tease her a bit like, saying Man Utd is better and all those stuff. She replied friendly. I didn't expect that. From that moment, i knew that she would be very friendly. Following that, I asked her for her msn add and soon added her in my contact list. And today i chatted with her. =D. I still can't believe that she's so so friendly. But at that time, she was getting ready to go out with her friends and she said, "I'll talk to you some other time, okay?". I melted. Argh.. No girls i've chatted with said something like that. They would either just sign out without saying any word. Wah, i guess this would really prove my friend wrong. Muahaha. I can't wait to say hi to her in person. Hehe.

I feel a change in me. Why have i become more sympathetic to others? Especially when i see poor people who can't afford even basic necesseties. Why have i become more sensitive? Is this a good thing?

So soon

A month or so has passed. I even forgot that my SPA would be on this coming monday. And i haven't even revised anything for it. Damn it. I can't fail it. Also, common test is a month away. Gosh. What am I to do? If i keep performing bad for econs, there's nowhere i can go. I have to familiarize myself with everything right now. Just like those days in SYFC, i have to familiarize myself with the areas that are allowed to be entered and those that are not. But this, i have to read through those areas of subjects that i think i have problems with. Sigh. Come on, i made it through once. I won't fail myself again.

Critical Acclaim

Shhh... quiet, you might piss somebody off
Like me motherfucker, you've been at it for too long
While you feed off others' insecurities
You stand in front of me and bite the hand that feeds

(Self-righteousness is wearing thin)
Lies inside your head your best friend
(Heart bleeds but not for fellow man)
Broken glass, your fake reflection

I've had enough
It's time for something real
I don't respect the words you're speaking
Gone too far, a clone

So how does it feel to know that someone's kid in the heart of America
Has blood on their hands, fighting to defend your rights?
So you can maintain the lifestyle that insults his family's existence
Well, where I'm from we have a special salute we aim high in the air
Towards all those pompous assholes who spend their days pointing fingers

Fuck you

Shh... quiet, you might piss somebody off
Like the heartbeat of this country when antagonized too long
I'll be damned if you count me in
As part of your generous hypocrisy collecting enemies

Tabloid gossip queen worthless man
(There's no need for us to bury you)
Selfish agenda, once again
(Right this way, you've dug your own grave)

I've had enough it's time for something real
Don't respect the words you're speaking
gone too far, a clone

All the way from the east to the west
We've got this high society looking down on their very foundation
Constantly reminding us that our actions are the cause of all their problems
Pointing the fingers in every direction and
Blaming their own nation for who wins the elections
They've never contributed a fucking thing to the country they love to criticize

Excuse the obscene, ignore the untrue
Depictions we see, try and get through
Admitting mistakes can't hurt
I'm not the last but I sure ain't the first

Shhh... quiet, you might piss somebody off

Self-righteousness is wearing thin
(Lies inside your head your best friend)
Heart beats but not for fellow man
(Broken glass, your fake reflection)

I've had enough it's time for something real
I don't respect the words you're speaking
gone too far, a clone

..in hell

I felt so terrible yesterday. I think i spent my day in 'hell'. It all started from an acute stomach pain. I didn't feel like going to the toilet but it was really painful. I have to get it over with fast because i'll be studying my jingyi later. If i were to change my mind about it, she would definitely get upset. I thought my condition was improving when i was in the library. Not much stomach pain. But i was starting to feel cold and my whole body numb. We planned to leave at around 8 plus and that i'll treat her to a meal or something. It was too excruciating and i just wanted to get home fast. So i left early. Sorry jingyi. Next time okay? The moment i reached home, my condition became worse. There was no panadol for fever. So i just landed on my bed. I felt really cold so i covered myself with a blanket. I was burning. Because the heat was contained within the blanket. I could barely move my arms or lift myself up.

..He sees all

One day, it could be me

Why does it always happen like this?

I'm really curious. Why does it always happen in this way? It was as if i was really there. Yet again, i dreamt of someone whom i don't even know who she is. I couldn't see anyone familiar except for my cousin. I wonder if in real life, the person that i dreamt of is her friend. Well, let's get into my dream alright? We were in a train, MRT it was. I was sitting beside her. I was also sitting with someone whom i know but i couldn't really remember who it was. She initiated the conversation. She said that she's not what i think of her. I also don't know what i think of her. Anyway, she started talking about being together and all those 'being-a-couple' stuff. If i were really in that dream, myself, controlling my own body, i would totally agree with it. Because i think she's a nice person, she's beautiful. But i said the exact opposite thing. I didn't deliberately said 'NO!'. I told her that i have a major examination coming up, A levels, and that i do not want to indulge myself in such relationships. I then apologized. She then stood up and went to another cubicle of the train. I didn't follow her because i thought that i should give her some time to process what i just said. Then, i heard screams. I quickly ran to the cubicle that she went and saw her lying on the floor, blood all over. She had just cut her wrist. What on earth was she doing? My cousin was there, attending to her, calling for help. I tried to find something to stop her bleeding but couldn't. And then, i was back in the real world. One heck of a narrative essay huh. Well, this dream did happen to me. Why are all these dreams coming? Do they signify something? Why don't they happen to me in real life?

I just love taking pictures of my shoe.

..REALLY STRESSED OUTTA HELL

I really feel helpless. This week is just a week of tests. I didn't have much time to prepare with all the homeworks piling up in less than a day. And i really regret because there those days that i got carried away when playing soccer. I shouldn't have played too long. I should have used those hours and minutes and seconds doing my homework, so by the time i reach home, i'll be able to revise my work without the burden of unfinished homework. So what shall i do now? I haven't revise for my geog test which is tomorrow. Furthermore, physics test the day after. Gosh..i just feel like not coming to school on both days. But, sigh, i just need to face the truth. Just write whatever i can recall for the tests. Alright, i'll study and do my homeworks after school tomorrow. No more playing..too much i mean. Hehe. Ok then, i'm out.

I'm really in a fuckin' bad mood today. I just can't find a reason why i didn't perform well with my predator. I kept losing possession easily. Am i really meant for predator or what? There is one other thing that i'm terribly pissed off with. You think it's funny? Playing with other people's sensitivity? Huh, fucker!? When i'm being serious, not putting a single fucking smile on my face, it means i'm fucking serious. There you were, pretending who you're not, giving me that fucked-up face. You know, it made me more pissed off. For once, i just wish i have the guts to give a one satisfying blow in your face. But i didn't. Cuz i know it would negatively affect our friendship and also how others think about me. My past was once an emotional one. If you could have the chance to stand in my shoes, get into my mind, flashback, you would know how much i've been through. Everyday i tried my best not to be too 'emo' and get sensitive over small matters. Most of the time, i can't and i failed. So if i ever make you guys rather pissed off with me, please, understand and try to bear with me. Alright? I'm out then.

Where on earth can i find a MODERN COMBAT FLIGHT SIMULATOR!!?? I'm tired of walking 'hundreds' of kilometres just to find what i want. Even in a huge shopping centre like causeway point, i can't find a MICROSOFT FLIGHT SIMULATOR X. I've checked IMM when i was out with my family a few weeks back. I found MFSX. But IMM is such an inconvenient place to go to. There's not even a public bus that leads me there. The only way is for me to take the train and alight at jurong east and then take the shuttle bus, which looks so silly. I guess i'll head for IMM tomorrow if i have the time..

I gotta stop being too emotional over something which seems so small to my friends. But to me, it seems a pretty much bigger matter. Now, most of my classmates call me as the emo-mo-mo boy. Everytime i keep quiet or thinking of other stuffs, somebody would definitely notice it and start their engine: "Eh suhaimi, don't emo ah." Sigh. It feels bad, man. But to those of my classmates who are reading this, don't worry. Though calling me an emo boy would, i think, drive me further from my eye-candies, it's ok. Let's have fun together, shall we? You call me emo, i call you emo. We call everyone emo.